Hate does not help. Do not spread it.
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It’s 10 years since I have left Russia. I did not flee Russia and its regime. I didn’t even think about it as leaving Russia forever. I was young and curious — there was an entire world to explore. I had a childhood dream to learn French and study Arts, so that’s what I did — I went to France, learnt French and eventually got into an art school — École Émile Cohl in Lyon. The school was demanding. Painting, drawing, sculpting was 8 hours a day every day, plus the homework. It was expensive too. I saved money for 2 years to pay for my first year’s admission, but I had not much left to pay for my accommodation and food. I was constantly searching for little design work to earn some cash — design a restaurant menu, draw a logo or build a webpage. First two months I slept in my friend’s hallway with 3 sleeping bags and my hat on. Nobody would rent me a room without a guarantor. Then the war in Crimea happened. The little savings that I had lost half of its value, the ruble was down.
Studies were not a priority anymore. Survival was. I felt a lot of hate towards Russians on top of that. That’s when I learnt to be ashamed of my nationality. The first breakdown happened at a headmaster’s office. I missed too many classes and had to explain myself. I told him how I struggled to balance work and studies, how I could not afford following year admission, how pressuring the political situation was. Then I collapsed and cried in his office. It was a great headmaster, he was understanding, but my future in school was doomed. The final blow came in March from where no one expected, my visa got rejected. I had to be deported from France even before the school year ended. It was the end of all. No point to fight anymore. I complied. I still don’t know if they deported me because of my nationality and war in Crimea or because I violated visa rules so severely. Who cares at this point.
These days, many of my fellows and I can’t sleep peacefully, panic attacks became the norm. We feel guilt and shame for things we could not possibly do enough to prevent, fear for our loved ones, worries about the future. “When will they stop bombing? Who got into jail for protesting? Will my parents have food? Will they force my brother into the army? Will they shut the borders, and I won’t see my home again?” Already 8 years ago, some people in Europe looked at me as if I was personally responsible for Russian aggression. Some people back home accused me of being a traitor. Now it skyrocketed. And we can’t talk about it because it’s our country which invaded. Our job is to feel guilty and accept retribution.
Here, outside of Russia, we are all united against this eval — Ukrainian, Belarus, Russian. We are sister nations and don’t allow politics to ruin the personal bonds. I personally don’t know a single Russian who would not be strongly against the war. I know a lot who donates and volunteer to help Ukrainian people, who go and protest even despite the danger of being jailed, who fight the propaganda machine and share the true facts. Yesterday all independent media was banned and shut down in Russia, calling the war “war” and sharing facts that are not approved by state can result to 15-year of imprisonment by the new law.
I beg you all, don’t fall for hate, do not spread it. Putin has invaded Ukraine, not the Russian people. We struggle, we need help, we need encouragement to keep fighting. Hate does not help.
